I walked onto that campus in a purple summery dress I have had for years. Ironically, it’s the last thing he bought for me and he is the reason I’m here. In October 2009 I lost one of THE most important people in my life and my heart still aches everyday that goes by I don’t get to hear his voice. Instead of running towards God and rejoicing my Opa was no longer in pain, I did the complete opposite. I turned away from him. How could someone who was SUCH a good person, who loved his family and friends so fiercely, be given such a horrible end of life? Why would God do that? Why would he let people suffer? These questions brought me more pain and confusion, so I laid it down. My Opa battled multiple myeloma for years, bone marrow transplants, umpteen transfusions and blood draws, sickness and weakness, and withered away. It was awful for me and has brought me to tears every time I see his photo (including the plane ride home from Pursuit). The first night I rounded the corner, hustling to my rental car that had literally shut off on the trip from the airport and it was there. Clear as day this light soaking the rolling hills of Mt.Berry college and his voice “Hello Ricky” that slight French accent still evident. I stopped in my tracks and just burst into tears. It was so full circle to me and just the wave of peace. I knew I was supposed to be here, I felt him there too.

Woah y’all that’s a lot but I want to be honest. Two years ago I never would’ve been there or ever seen myself there. Last January I wrote a belligerent email to a woman whose faith I admired so much, like so belligerent it was full of run on sentences and I left the wrong email. She took the time to write me back and guide me and check in on me and that was the start of reuniting with Christ. It was a relationship I had been missing and desperately wanted in my life. I’ve kinda walked into the wilderness and never looked back.

I traveled with my favorite gal pals, Amanda & Amanda, to a small German inspired retreat center on a hill in Rome in the state of Georgia (follow?) to the Pursuit Conference. It was such an amazing time and truly the best thing I’ve ever done in my life aside from having children. It was the first thing I had done FOR me in maybe ten years. I don’t mean shopping, pedicures, dinner with friends: I mean the first soul enhancing thing I had done. Again, incredible. If I’m being honest the worst part of it was the airplane rides and that it was only 2.5 days. I left feeling so rejuvenated and refreshed, on fire for this relationship and inspired by the amazing speakers like Jane Johnson, Erin Youngren & Katelyn James.

Listening to women share their triumphs and tribulations grounded me. Over and over I kept hearing TRUST in me. That’s hard for a in-the-process-of-reforming control freak like me. I love planning and knowing what’s to come. I need to let go of that constant need to know and put my trust back into Him fully. He will not lead me astray and will meet me anywhere on the path, all I have to do is ask. Pastor Leon said “God’s delays are not God’s denials” and that has really stuck with me. Praying for someone once, daily, weekly even yearly doesn’t mean it will be. I could pray for something and it never come, not because God is punishing me but because I’m not meant to know. Answers, actions, clarity, etc I asked over and over “why?” when my Opa died but I am gaining peace as I realize I should have asked “what lesson will you teach me?”

Aside from the incredible amount of crying I did over 3 days, I am so grateful I had this opportunity. To my so supportive parents for watching my boys since Kenny was working while I was gone and to my hubs for being incredible understanding of my need to go. I am so grateful for this experience and cannot wait to see how Pursuit Conference comes back to me in the future.

 

And can’t for get the iphone! I actually did so good at being present I didn’t take many with my phone!